Dear Coleen
I’m a woman aged 27 and the past couple of years have been difficult for me. It all started when I split up with my long-term boyfriend for a few weeks and, during that time, I met someone else who I fell for in a big way.
We started dating and it was very exciting and passionate, but then I found out I was pregnant with my ex’s baby. Long story short, I ended things with the guy I was seeing and went back to my ex. Initially, things were good and we both felt good about being back together and he was over the moon about the baby.
But since our daughter was born, we’ve been arguing a lot again and I keep thinking about what a huge mistake it was to go back to him. He’s a great dad and provider – he’s 32 and has a good job – but I’ve realised it’s over for me.
I’ve looked up the guy I was seeing, but he’s moved on with someone else which I guess I should have expected. What do I do? I feel so trapped, but don’t want to admit how I’m feeling to anyone as I feel such a failure. At least I know for the moment that my daughter has a nice life with both her parents living under the same roof.
Coleen says
Please stop telling yourself that you’re a failure – you’re not a failure. You had the best intentions by trying to make it work with your daughter’s father and it’s not working, that’s all.
I think you need to start by talking to your partner and asking him how he’s feeling. For all you know, he might be struggling, too – but he loves his daughter, so he’s getting on with it. There were obviously good reasons for you splitting up and if those issues haven’t been resolved, then it’s no surprise that not much has changed and the old problems are resurfacing.
Also, you have a young child now, which puts extra stress on the relationship. I hope you get to a point where you’re both on the same page because it is possible to be good co-parents and move on separately.
However, it’s important that you both commit to that and mean it. Because what you don’t want is to be in a situation where you’re both arguing over your daughter and making things difficult for each other – and her too.
Depending on how the conversation goes, you could also think about couples counselling, which can help ease a separation. Good luck.
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