Dear Coleen
I’m a 16-year-old girl (soon to be 17) and in my first year of A-levels at sixth form. I live with my parents and younger brother, who’s 11 and in his last year of primary school.
My issue is, my parents seem to favour him and it’s always been the case.
After I was born, they tried to have another baby quite quickly, but it wasn’t easy and Mum had a few miscarriages. Eventually, five years after me, they had my brother. He was poorly when he was younger, so they’ve always treated him like a little prince.
I’m good at school and really good at sports too, I’m pretty much the model child, but I have to fight for any kind of attention or recognition.
My brother can sit in his bedroom for hours, playing online games with his friends, but never gets pulled up on it. There’s no way my parents would have let me do that at 11.
I’m going through a lot of stuff with teenage worries and exam pressure, but I never confide in them because I don’t feel they’d be interested, so I keep everything to myself. Is there anything I can do to make things better?
Coleen says
I absolutely think you can talk to your parents and the way to approach it is in a calm – not an accusatory – way. Just start by telling them how you feel or confide in one parent first.
As a mum myself, I do think you parent your first child very differently to the ones that come after because it’s all new and it’s a steep learning curve.
The younger ones tend to get away with more, while you’re a bit more controlling, even overprotective, with your first.
I grew up with five older sisters and two older brothers and I got away with murder compared to them!
It sounds like you’re doing great and I’m sure your parents are extremely proud of you, but it’s OK to let them know that you need to hear that sometimes. Part of the problem might be that because you’re nearly 17, your parents see you as more independent – as well as very capable – and maybe feel that you don’t need them quite as much.
However, I learned with my boys that often you’re needed more, but just in a different way. You need your parents more on an emotional level, while your brother’s needs are probably more practical. So, that’s what you need to get across to your mum and dad.
If my kids ever came to me with your concerns, I’d listen and want to do better for them.
I don’t think your parents’ distance or perceived lack of interest is intentional, but it’s OK to remind them that although you’re doing well, you still need them.
Going forward it would be nice if you could do something fun with your mum and dad, together or individually, and make it a regular thing.
Trust me, you’ll feel better if you talk to them. Good luck.
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